Look, I’d love to talk about whether I am or am not A New Woman (brief upsum: ‘not quite, yet, but getting there三级成人视频’), but I’m much too busy prepping. I have been for several weeks. Long before ‘prepping’ was even A Thing, in fact.
三级成人视频Back when a lot of my friends were still saying, ‘This is no different from the flu,’ ‘It’s just another media exaggeration,’ and even (I’m not making this up), ‘This is just Boris Johnson trying to distract attention from Brexit and Priti Patel,’ I was making plans for the worst of all possible disasters.
三级成人视频Now, I don’t normally fall for scare stories. For example, while I absolutely agree that we should cut down CO2 emissions, preserve rainforests and stop polluting our oceans with plastic garbage, I do not regard Greta Thunberg as the fount of all knowledge or believe that the sky is in imminent danger of falling on our heads.
But coronavirus is different. And that’s because I’m different. After much agonising over possible infection, I went to dinner last Saturday with a dear friend who’d long been worried that I might be chasing rainbows and would never achieve my goal of remotely credible womanhood. The moment she opened the door and saw me, a huge smile crossed her face. Her apprehensions, which were always founded on genuine concern, not the slightest shred of prejudice, were unfounded.
三级成人视频At the end of a lovely evening, she said, ‘The word that comes to mind when I look at you is “liberated”.’ Well, that’s exactly how I feel. And I am not letting some batbug take it all away from me.
Trouble is, I’m over 60 and I fear that my facial feminisation surgery, utterly wonderful though it was, may have compromised my immune system. So I’m virtually in isolation now and well prepared to go into total quarantine lockdown. In case of power cuts or a lack of clean tap water, I’ve got a camping stove and a box of gas cartridges, lots of candles, torches and batteries, gallons of mineral water and long-life milk and a huge pile of fire wood. I’ve even got a 48-roll box of loo paper from a company called Who Gives a Crap?.
By adding a little to each weekly shop I’ve gradually accumulated stores of rice, pasta, flour, oats, muesli, granola, nuts and dried fruit. I’ve got jams, honey and peanut butter for the bread I’ll bake. Plus cans of vegetables, fruit, fish of various kinds, with soups, chilli con carne and chicken curry to cook on my gas burner.
三级成人视频Calorie-rich foods are suddenly essential. Cue cheese, biscuits and my one, unconquerable addiction – chocolate.
三级成人视频There’s plenty for me to do, too. A book needs writing within the next few months, my flat is filled with unsorted junk and paperwork, and there are walls crying out for fresh paint, and windswept hills to walk. I’m actually quite looking forward to it all. Of course, I have my concerns. For one thing, timing the final Full Hermit phase could be tricky. Isolate too soon and I’ll scoff my supplies before the crisis gets super-serious. Wait too long and I might get the bug anyway.
However, I need to keep my less well-prepared neighbours at bay.
When they realise that I’m putting on weight while they’re starving, they’ll be charging up the stairs, over the roof and through the windows, their feverish eyes wide, their diseased mouths drooling and, hmm… I may have binge-watched too many zombie-filled seasons of The Walking Dead.
Most of all, though, I worry about my hair. My wondrous weaves need adjusting on a regular basis because the longer my hair grows, the more they detach from my scalp. If I can’t get to the salon safely before the end of April, my lovely new ’do will be flapping around like a tarpaulin in a force-10 gale.
三级成人视频I’m not alone. I was comparing corona-prepping notes with a girlfriend the other day. ‘I have been stockpiling Wow, which is stuff to hide grey roots,’ she messaged me. ‘If I go into isolation, I don’t want to come out with Badger Hair!’
三级成人视频Even in the midst of this terrible pandemic, keeping up appearances feels important. The Four Horsemen may be riding down the road, but sisters are dyeing it for themselves.
Catch up on the last two columns here: