The Christmas三级成人视频 tradition of preparing a midwinter feast, and then wondering why some of the items are things you don’t really enjoy but still feel duty-bound to produce, dates back to pagan times.
Everyone knows the ingredients of the Christmas dinner三级成人视频: turkey, vegetables, trimmings, stress and concerns about timing.
Christmas dinner’s strongest suit is its familiarity. But where do the classic foods rate against each other?
This definitive list, which is entirely correct and proven by science, ranks them in order from worst to greatest.
A三级成人视频lways either too hard or too soft, and weirdly demanding too, needing to have those crosses carved into them one by pointless one. You do not taste nice enough to be personally engraved, sprout. And no-one else wants you: this country grows almost 100,000 metric tons annually but does not export any of them. An expression of national self-loathing, (with admittedly impressive levels of vitamin K,) someone somewhere in Britain is currently being denied something until they finish their sprouts. The flatulent relative that nobody likes but everybody feels they have to invite to Christmas.
16. Red cabbage
Cabbage thinks it can get away with it by being a cheerful festive colour — the brassica chameleon wannabe — but there’s a reason foods are generally not this unsettling arterial hue. A deceptively tricky article to cook, because it can be tart, and it can bleed all over the plate; a crimson tide destroying all the creamy sauces in its path, and even separating out gravy. Like a monster. Sometimes done with bacon in it, which obviously elevates it to a degree, but bacon does that to everything, so red cabbage has a cheek claiming for that.
Sounds like it should be amazing, and implies that there will be an open fire, but in fact is often just a mushy nut. A tiny parcel of… not exactly disappointment, but certainly mild regret, a fleeting glimpse of a reality that never was. Calorific.
14. Roast parsnip
Few would claim this is a knockout, but sort of tasty and quite enjoyable. Never gets top billing, having to share a dish with more popular cousins roast potato (straight up delicious) and roast carrot (makes more of an effort with its appearance). The assistant to the regional manager of the roasted vegetable section but basically alright.
13. Roast carrots
Like that habitually mousy person at work who’s just a bit too三级成人视频 into the office party, the roast carrot is fundamentally the same solid but unspectacular operator of the other 11 months of the year, pimped up for the festive season with nine craft gins, or a drizzle of honey respectively. Still, entirely edible, and those fancy ones where they leave the little green ends are fun.
12. Mashed potato
A bland if useful absorbent, like one of those junior politicians they send onto the evening news when the top brass have done something especially weird or idiotic. It’s okay but there is no need, really.
11. Cranberry sauce
With its big moment in the closing seconds of Strawberry Fields Forever, the only Christmas dinner item to be name-checked by The Beatles, with the exception of Glass Onion Stuffing. Shop bought stuff is okay, although essentially just jam; you could make your own if you have lots of time, and cranberries.
10. Vegetarian stuffing
Sure, why not? We all have to do our bit for the planet.
9. Bread sauce
B三级成人视频read. Made into a sauce. You can put it on bread. It’s like the circle of life, with bread. Exquisite, and also counts as one of your five a day. As a people, we may not know much about cuisine. But we know what we like.
8. Roast ham
A sort of Christmas dinner bigamy, effectively having two main courses on the same plate. A powerful cocktail, not for the faint hearted; or those with any sort of heart condition.
7. Roast potatoes
Of the Destiny’s Child roast vegetable trio, very much the Beyonce. Undeniably an A+ method of plating the quintessential British vegetable, and many would see them moved further up the rankings if prepared in specific products like goose fat. Dilemma: does the roast potato lose points because it can be had all year round? Maybe. But so can sherry, Bond films and heated arguments about politics with a relative you hate, so why should roast potato suffer?
6. Yorkshire pudding
A controversial appearance on this list, for some; although a survey from Tesco says that 38% of people rated it as their number one Christmas dinner trimming. Talk about Divided Britain. It’s difficult to see how anyone could argue on epicurean grounds against flour cooked in fat until stodgy yet also crispy, or dispute YP’s gravy absorbency. But for Christmas? Possibly skewed by bloc voting in the eponymous county, like a carbohydrate version of Sports Personality when a motorbike rider or an angler is campaigned to glory.
5. Sausage on its own
“There is never a wrong time to have a sausage.” Not my words; the words of the late, great Mother Teresa. But does the solo banger not cry out for some sort of Christmas wrapping, something extra? In Christmas Dinner terms, excellent yet somehow incomplete, an unfinished symphony of meaty rusk.
AND THE BEST...
4. The Chipolata
As above, but slim, exotic and intoxicating, like a very small salsa dance teacher.
N三级成人视频obody is 100 per cent clear what this is or how it gets made, and ignorant is the way to remain about it, in case it turns out to be the ozone layer or tigers or something. It’s… breadcrumbs? Some non-premium meat? Onions? The noble sage? A lovely, mysterious thing that would surely have been one of the gifts the Three Wise Men gave to Baby Jesus if only Ocado had got its act together in time.
If this were a list of the most IMPORTANT Christmas dinner items, gravy would have romped home. The terrible secret that we all keep, of course, is that turkey is not all that nice, and is often kind of dry, and it absolutely definitely needs the gravy to make it bearable; like an unpleasant cousin whose presence is just about tolerable since they mystifyingly landed a really lovely spouse. But even if it had no practical role, gravy would still be right up here, on account of being hot, salty, meaty, umami fat that comes into your Christmas dinner life in a little jug called a boat. A boat! Gravy. You absolute baller.
1. The pig in a blanket
Humankind is largely terrible, but on the upside: sausage wrapped in bacon. Just imagine being there at the creation. Incredibly delicious, looks amusing, tastes great. The true spirit of Christmas, and the undisputed champ of the trimmings: pig in a blanket, we all bend the knee.